I am waiting--

Out of 10:
3 for anxiety, for job hunts and midlife crises, everything in its right place.
2 for guilt, and sadness. There's nothing that can be done. 1 of these I trade out now and then for happiness.
2 more for dark anger and dread. I have to shelve it, I can'nae look it in the eye, but it's a close sister to the guilt.
And 3 more for drowning. Treading water and feeling lost. No family and no sense of self.

If I could:
3 for drive. Excitement and motivation, things nudging into place.
4 for love. Titillation and satisfaction, passion and friendship.
2 for family. This seems nigh impossible, but what if it weren't?
1 for humility and learning. Keep the sadness at bay, but don't take it for granted.

And so, what I must:
2 for confidence. Stick up for yourself, Poindexter. Take time for myself, without guilt, for creation and expression.
3 for excitement. New passions, new positions, new adventures.
3 for hard work. Buckle down and grind it out, but sensibly, and not to the exclusion of all else.
2 for satisfaction. Reverse direction on material goals. Give in to happiness, let competence take care of ambition.

Shit fer Brains

Something... interesting has come up. (Her voice trails off, her gaze drifts out the open window).

Actually, --nothing-- has come up. But an interesting nothing, which wafts an intriguing scent (if not altogether appealing) of something. Totally out of left field, totally unexpected. Let's just say I'm talking about an unforeseen opportunity that was lobbed at me very purposefully; I hadn't asked for it, but now am being forced to consider it.

And it's more or less a fantastic opportunity. Of course, I have no official documentation or any kind of formal request; the ball was softly lobbed over and now is unambiguously in my court.

I shouldn't be so flabbergasted, except that I suppose I had unconsciously resigned myself to the idea of Pittsburgh forever. And for good reason - I love Pittsburgh. It has truly become my home. And now that I'm married, now that we have an awesome apartment and have been talking about home buying and kid having... the idea of uprooting and moving across the country smacks much more of headache and distraction than it does of adventure and fulfillment.

And yet the fact remains: would I be missing out on a huge opportunity if I didn't pursue this? Well, yes, certainly, but more to the point, if this opportunity is lurking out there, are others? I admittedly have had my head in the sand, planning the wedding, digging us out of debt, dealing with my awful family. But the thought of now having to catch up in the rat race is pretty overwhelming.

That isn't to say that I haven't been working hard in the interim, though. This has been a challenging year for me; I've been working on the UI for some really technically complex features at work, and have had to defend my design decisions directly to the customer. I took a feature no one wanted, made it awesome, and got the customer's buy-in on it, even though it was markedly different than anything that's currently out there. I count it as a big success, and although there were moments where I was about to pull my hair out, overall it was really rewarding. It's crap like that that I have to remember to keep in mind - just because I've had my head up my own ass doesn't mean I have shit for brains. (ha!)

And as Evan pointed out this morning, I direly need to demystify the folks on the other end of this situation. I've put them on an eerie pedestal, mostly because it's easier to approach with fear and trembling than it is to go boldly forward. But hell, I have the stuffing. I just need to snap out of it and get going.

So... Good pep talk!

Creative Block / Creative Energy

I really need to get back into the habit of making things. Manifesting creative energy, so that I a) don't end up withering away and b) do end up amplifying my own creative drive.

I do expend creative energy at work, on tough technical UI problems. It's challenging, and usually intellectually fulfilling, but it's not enough. Designing the right UI solution or the best 14x14 icon can be rewarding, but isn't what someone eould look at and say, "cool!" No one would look at such work for the sake of getting inspired. Feeling accomplished and feeling sated are very different; only a small amount of emotion goes into the interaction design I do on a daily basis.

I think what I'm getting at is that I need an emotional creative outlet. A project designed and driven by me, with only the constraints that I place on it. A project that I can throw my personality into, as opposed to rigidly restricting the visual language or amount of ornament. Cognitive load is a dirty word in my profession; I'd like a project where people DO have to think to understand it, or take it all in.

But what? I feel like I'm at a creative crossroads of sorts. I've investigated a lot of different creative avenues throughout my life. Collage art, poetry, ceramics, songwriting, knitting, graphic design... I've at least dabbled in all of the above, and more. When I was making out wedding invitations, I was working outside of my comfort zone and outside of my skill level as well - and I loved it. I think there's something to be said for both learning a new medium and then learning to become expressive through it.

And truth be told, I think I already know the answer; I'm just intimidated by the thought of getting started. My sister bought me a banjo for Christmas, after I added it to my Amazon wishlist on a whim, and although I truly am excited to get started learning it, I've avoided picking it up or taking any steps to get familiar with it. Oh I have daydreams of how amazing it's going to be when I play an open mic night and everyone I know comes to see me and I blow them all away, but at the moment it's strictly a daydream and nothing else.

There are a lot of superfluous reasons "why," but it all boils down to this - I'm afraid to get started! But, of course, nothing's going to happen if nothing happens. I need to step up to the plate and make this happen for myself, regardless of whether it turns out I'm good at it or not. Time to have an adventure!