I am waiting--

Out of 10:
3 for anxiety, for job hunts and midlife crises, everything in its right place.
2 for guilt, and sadness. There's nothing that can be done. 1 of these I trade out now and then for happiness.
2 more for dark anger and dread. I have to shelve it, I can'nae look it in the eye, but it's a close sister to the guilt.
And 3 more for drowning. Treading water and feeling lost. No family and no sense of self.

If I could:
3 for drive. Excitement and motivation, things nudging into place.
4 for love. Titillation and satisfaction, passion and friendship.
2 for family. This seems nigh impossible, but what if it weren't?
1 for humility and learning. Keep the sadness at bay, but don't take it for granted.

And so, what I must:
2 for confidence. Stick up for yourself, Poindexter. Take time for myself, without guilt, for creation and expression.
3 for excitement. New passions, new positions, new adventures.
3 for hard work. Buckle down and grind it out, but sensibly, and not to the exclusion of all else.
2 for satisfaction. Reverse direction on material goals. Give in to happiness, let competence take care of ambition.

Shit fer Brains

Something... interesting has come up. (Her voice trails off, her gaze drifts out the open window).

Actually, --nothing-- has come up. But an interesting nothing, which wafts an intriguing scent (if not altogether appealing) of something. Totally out of left field, totally unexpected. Let's just say I'm talking about an unforeseen opportunity that was lobbed at me very purposefully; I hadn't asked for it, but now am being forced to consider it.

And it's more or less a fantastic opportunity. Of course, I have no official documentation or any kind of formal request; the ball was softly lobbed over and now is unambiguously in my court.

I shouldn't be so flabbergasted, except that I suppose I had unconsciously resigned myself to the idea of Pittsburgh forever. And for good reason - I love Pittsburgh. It has truly become my home. And now that I'm married, now that we have an awesome apartment and have been talking about home buying and kid having... the idea of uprooting and moving across the country smacks much more of headache and distraction than it does of adventure and fulfillment.

And yet the fact remains: would I be missing out on a huge opportunity if I didn't pursue this? Well, yes, certainly, but more to the point, if this opportunity is lurking out there, are others? I admittedly have had my head in the sand, planning the wedding, digging us out of debt, dealing with my awful family. But the thought of now having to catch up in the rat race is pretty overwhelming.

That isn't to say that I haven't been working hard in the interim, though. This has been a challenging year for me; I've been working on the UI for some really technically complex features at work, and have had to defend my design decisions directly to the customer. I took a feature no one wanted, made it awesome, and got the customer's buy-in on it, even though it was markedly different than anything that's currently out there. I count it as a big success, and although there were moments where I was about to pull my hair out, overall it was really rewarding. It's crap like that that I have to remember to keep in mind - just because I've had my head up my own ass doesn't mean I have shit for brains. (ha!)

And as Evan pointed out this morning, I direly need to demystify the folks on the other end of this situation. I've put them on an eerie pedestal, mostly because it's easier to approach with fear and trembling than it is to go boldly forward. But hell, I have the stuffing. I just need to snap out of it and get going.

So... Good pep talk!